Dialectical thinking: Moving from Either/Or to And..
Dialectical Thinking in DBT: Moving from Either/Or to And
If there's one aspect of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) developed by Marsha Linehan that truly stands out to me, it's dialectical thinking. This concept has the power to fundamentally shift how we see ourselves and navigate our lives, especially when we're carrying trauma.
The Either/Or Trap
Many of us, particularly those who have experienced trauma, learn to think in black-and-white extremes—what therapists call "either/or thinking." You might recognize this pattern: things are either good or bad, you're either succeeding or failing, people either love you or they don't.
This isn't a character flaw. It's often a protective mechanism we developed when we needed clear, simple rules to feel safe. When the world felt unpredictable or dangerous, seeing things in stark terms helped us make quick decisions and protect ourselves.
But what once protected us can eventually limit us.
The "Until" and "After" Prison
Another common pattern is "until/after" thinking. You might catch yourself thinking:
"I'll be happy after I fix myself."
"Life will start once I have everything figured out."
This thinking puts our entire lives on hold. We're waiting for some future version of ourselves who is perfectly healed, completely ready, entirely "together." Meanwhile, life is happening right now, and we're missing it.
Enter Dialectical Thinking: The Power of "And"
In DBT, we practice something revolutionary in its simplicity: holding two truths at the same time. We move from "either/or" to "and."
Instead of waiting to be perfect before we can appreciate ourselves, we learn to say:
I can be working on learning new skills AND still have gratitude for how far I've come.
Here are more examples:
I made a mistake AND I'm still a good person
This is really hard AND I can handle it
I'm struggling right now AND I've overcome struggles before
I need to change some things about my life AND I'm doing the best I can
I feel overwhelmed AND I'm taking steps forward
I have limitations AND I have strengths
I'm hurting AND I'm growing
Why This Matters
Dialectical thinking does something profound: it reduces shame. When we can hold both our struggles and our strengths simultaneously, we stop seeing ourselves as fundamentally broken. We're no longer caught in the exhausting cycle of being either "good enough" or "not good enough."
We become whole people with complex, sometimes contradictory experiences. And that's not just okay, it’s also part of being human.
Softening the Inner Critic
Dialectical thinking is about being intentional and softening the harshness of our inner critic. That critical voice often speaks in absolutes: "You always mess up," "You're never going to change," "You can't do anything right."
When we practice holding multiple truths, we gently challenge these harsh absolutes. We create space for nuance, for growth, for self-compassion. We learn that we can be imperfect AND worthy, struggling AND strong, learning AND enough.
Moving Forward
If you find yourself stuck in either/or thinking, try this: the next time you catch yourself thinking in extremes, pause and ask, "What's the 'and' here? What else is also true?"
You don't have to wait until you're healed to start living. You can be on a journey of growth AND fully present in your life right now.
That's the gift of dialectical thinking. It invites us to be both/and people in a world that often demands we choose either/or. It's a gentler, more compassionate way to live—one that honors the full complexity of who we are.
Disclaimer
This blog is for informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy or establish a therapist-client relationship. The content here is not a substitute for professional mental health care.
If you're experiencing a crisis, please call 911 or contact a crisis helpline immediately.
Always consult with a qualified mental health professional regarding any questions about treatment or mental health concerns.
