The grief that comes with healing from trauma

Today, while reviewing a self-compassion presentation I had done, I was reminded of Kristin Neff’s work, specifically the power of showing ourselves love and compassion. She writes about how, at the start of practicing self-compassion, we can sometimes feel pain. She explains that when we start to treat ourselves with kindness, we may suddenly “see” all the conditions that were attached to love in our past relationships.

This hit me deeply and reminded me of something I witness often in therapy: the grief that emerges when we begin the process of trauma work.

When we start this journey of self-compassion and healing, we often come face to face with how others let us down - sometimes in ways that were completely justified for us to feel hurt by. We begin to see what we lost, what we wished for but never received, and how these experiences shaped us.

There’s a unique kind of grief in this realization. It’s the grief of:

• What could have been if we’d been treated with more kindness

• The energy we spent protecting ourselves instead of growing

• The relationships that hurt us when they should have nurtured us

• The parts of ourselves we had to suppress to feel safe or loved

And here’s what can feel particularly unfair: all the work of untangling this and processing the emotional impacts, healing our nervous systems, rebuilding our sense of self, which ultimately falls on us. The very people who were hurt have to do the work of healing. Sometimes that just isn’t fair.

But here’s what I’ve learned, both personally and professionally: the first step isn’t to rush toward healing or positive thinking. The first step is often to allow ourselves to feel how this all feels. To honor the grief. To acknowledge that yes, this is hard work, and yes, sometimes it isn’t fair.

Self-compassion doesn’t mean bypassing this pain . As Neff explains,

it means holding space for it with the same kindness we’d offer a dear friend.

If you’re in this place of recognizing old wounds, know that the grief is valid. The unfairness is real. And you don’t have to be grateful for trauma or rush to find the silver lining. Sometimes healing begins with simply saying, “This was hard, and I’m allowed to feel that.”

If you are interested in learning more about self-compassion and Neff’s work, check out https://self-compassion.org/

#TraumaHealing #SelfCompassion #Therapy #MentalHealthAwareness #Grief #HealingJourney

Please note: The information and strategies discussed in this post are general suggestions based on common experiences and are not intended as professional advice. If you’re struggling with mental health concerns, please consider consulting with a qualified mental health professional who can provide personalized support.

Understanding Grief: Beyond Simple Definitions

Having recently completed specialized training in grief counselling, I've been reflecting on how the word "grief" itself may not fully honour the complexity of each person's unique experience.

Grief is More Than Loss of Life

When we think of grief, we often picture the loss of a person such as a family member, friend, or beloved pet. But grief encompasses so much more. It can be the loss of an ex-partner, a job, a cherished dream, or the expectations we held for our future. Each of these losses deserves recognition and space to be processed.

Every Path is Different

What strikes me most is how uniquely each person processes grief. There's no universal roadmap, no standard timeline, and no "right" way to grieve. For some clients, the relationship with the person they've lost complicates their feelings. Perhaps it was an ex-partner, or the loss is connected to a criminal offense. In some cases, our legal and social systems can perpetuate feelings of injustice or shame, adding layers of complexity to an already difficult journey.

Moving Beyond the "Process" Mindset

The idea that grief follows a predictable process can be limiting. It suggests there's an endpoint, a finish line where we're "done" grieving. This framework can leave people feeling broken or inadequate when their experience doesn't match these expectations.

Grief as a Room in Our House

Instead, I'm drawn to the metaphor of grief as a room in our house. We can honour our loss, remember what we've lost, and spend time in that space when we need to. But slowly, we also move to other rooms and start connecting with other people, exploring new ideas, engaging with life. The beautiful thing about this metaphor is that we never shut the door to that grief room. It remains accessible, a part of our home, but it doesn't have to be the only room we inhabit.

This approach allows us to carry our losses with us while still living, honouring both our grief and our capacity for continued growth and connection.

Disclaimer:
This blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care . If you are experiencing distress or a mental health crisis, please contact local emergency services.